This Heart's Too Heavy For My Breaking Back
I just found this poem. It doesn't necessarily portray what I feel right now or what happened in my life. But some of the sheer unadulterated sadness and the helpless muted rage in it speaks well for me, transcending the differences of subjects of conversation.
There are some things that lately make me feel so... less than whole. Like I need to acquire a new set of arms to complete the one set that I already have. Like needing a back up heart, spare lungs, another clean undiluted soul.
Most of all, I want to be capable and strong enough for people I love.
Sadly, my arms are not long enough to form a decent hug; my heart's palpitating erratically it needs EKG attached to it from time to time; my lungs are overpopulated with H20. I'm breathing underwater on the mainland.
Michael Lassell - How to Watch Your Brother Die
When the call comes, be calm.
Say to your wife, "My brother is dying. I have to fly
to California."
try not to be shocked that he already looks like
a cadaver.
Say to the young man sitting by your brother's side,
"I'm his brother."
Try not to be shocked when the young man says,
"I'm his lover. Thanks for coming."
Listen to the doctor with a steel face on.
Sign the necessary forms.
Tell the doctor you will take care of everything.
Wonder why doctors are so remote.
Watch the lover's eyes as they stare into
your brother's eyes as they stare into
space.
Wonder what they see there.
Remember the time he was jealous and
opened your eyebrow with a sharp stick.
Forgive him out loud
even if he can't
understand you.
Realize the scar will be
all that's left of him.
Over coffee in the hospital cafeteria
say to the lover, "You're an extremely good-looking
young man."
Hear him say,
"I never thought I was good enough looking to
deserve your brother."
Watch the tears well up in his eyes. Say,
"I'm sorry. I don't know what it means to be
the lover of another man."
Hear him say,
"Its just like a wife, only the commitment is
deeper because the odds against you are so much
greater."
Say nothing, but
take his hand like a brother's.
Drive to Mexico for unproven drugs that might
help him live longer.
Explain what they are to the border guard.
Fill with rage when he informs you,
"You can't bring those across."
Begin to grow loud.
Feel the lover's hand on your arm
restraining you. See in the guard's eye
how much a man can hate another man.
Say to the lover, "How can you stand it?"
Hear him say, "You get used to it."
Think of one of your children getting used to
another man's hatred.
Call your wife on the telephone. Tell her,
"He hasn't much time.
I'll be home soon." Before you hang up say,
"How could anyone's commitment be deeper than
a husband and a wife?" Hear her say,
"Please. I don't want to know all the details."
When he slips into an irrevocable coma,
hold his lover in your arms while he sobs,
no longer strong. Wonder how much longer
you will be able to be strong.
Feel how it feels to hold a man in your arms
whose arms are used to holding men.
Offer God anything to bring your brother back.
Know you have nothing God could possible want.
Curse God, but do not
abandon Him.
Stare at the face of the funeral director
when he tells you he will not
embalm the body for fear of
contamination. Let him see in your eyes
how much a man can hate another man.
Stand beside a casket covered in flowers,
white flowers. Say,
"thank you for coming," to each of seven hundred men
who file past in tears, some of them
holding hands. Know that your brother's life
was not what you imagined. Overhear two
mourners say, "I wonder who'll be next?" and
"I don't care anymore,
as long as it isn't you."
Arrange to take an early flight home.
His lover will drive you to the airport.
When your flight is announced say,
awkwardly, "If I can do anything, please
let me know." Do not flinch when he says,
"Forgive yourself for not wanting to know him
after he told you. He did."
Stop and let it soak in. Say,
"He forgave me, or he knew himself?"
"Both," the lover will say, not knowing what else
to do. Hold him like a brother while he
kisses you on the cheek. Think that
you haven't been kissed by a man since
your father died. Think,
"This is no moment to be strong."
Fly first class and drink Scotch. Stroke
your split eyebrow with a finger and
think of your brother alive. Smile
at the memory and think
how your children will feel in your arms
warm and friendly and without challenge.
There are some things that lately make me feel so... less than whole. Like I need to acquire a new set of arms to complete the one set that I already have. Like needing a back up heart, spare lungs, another clean undiluted soul.
Most of all, I want to be capable and strong enough for people I love.
Sadly, my arms are not long enough to form a decent hug; my heart's palpitating erratically it needs EKG attached to it from time to time; my lungs are overpopulated with H20. I'm breathing underwater on the mainland.
Michael Lassell - How to Watch Your Brother Die
When the call comes, be calm.
Say to your wife, "My brother is dying. I have to fly
to California."
try not to be shocked that he already looks like
a cadaver.
Say to the young man sitting by your brother's side,
"I'm his brother."
Try not to be shocked when the young man says,
"I'm his lover. Thanks for coming."
Listen to the doctor with a steel face on.
Sign the necessary forms.
Tell the doctor you will take care of everything.
Wonder why doctors are so remote.
Watch the lover's eyes as they stare into
your brother's eyes as they stare into
space.
Wonder what they see there.
Remember the time he was jealous and
opened your eyebrow with a sharp stick.
Forgive him out loud
even if he can't
understand you.
Realize the scar will be
all that's left of him.
Over coffee in the hospital cafeteria
say to the lover, "You're an extremely good-looking
young man."
Hear him say,
"I never thought I was good enough looking to
deserve your brother."
Watch the tears well up in his eyes. Say,
"I'm sorry. I don't know what it means to be
the lover of another man."
Hear him say,
"Its just like a wife, only the commitment is
deeper because the odds against you are so much
greater."
Say nothing, but
take his hand like a brother's.
Drive to Mexico for unproven drugs that might
help him live longer.
Explain what they are to the border guard.
Fill with rage when he informs you,
"You can't bring those across."
Begin to grow loud.
Feel the lover's hand on your arm
restraining you. See in the guard's eye
how much a man can hate another man.
Say to the lover, "How can you stand it?"
Hear him say, "You get used to it."
Think of one of your children getting used to
another man's hatred.
Call your wife on the telephone. Tell her,
"He hasn't much time.
I'll be home soon." Before you hang up say,
"How could anyone's commitment be deeper than
a husband and a wife?" Hear her say,
"Please. I don't want to know all the details."
When he slips into an irrevocable coma,
hold his lover in your arms while he sobs,
no longer strong. Wonder how much longer
you will be able to be strong.
Feel how it feels to hold a man in your arms
whose arms are used to holding men.
Offer God anything to bring your brother back.
Know you have nothing God could possible want.
Curse God, but do not
abandon Him.
Stare at the face of the funeral director
when he tells you he will not
embalm the body for fear of
contamination. Let him see in your eyes
how much a man can hate another man.
Stand beside a casket covered in flowers,
white flowers. Say,
"thank you for coming," to each of seven hundred men
who file past in tears, some of them
holding hands. Know that your brother's life
was not what you imagined. Overhear two
mourners say, "I wonder who'll be next?" and
"I don't care anymore,
as long as it isn't you."
Arrange to take an early flight home.
His lover will drive you to the airport.
When your flight is announced say,
awkwardly, "If I can do anything, please
let me know." Do not flinch when he says,
"Forgive yourself for not wanting to know him
after he told you. He did."
Stop and let it soak in. Say,
"He forgave me, or he knew himself?"
"Both," the lover will say, not knowing what else
to do. Hold him like a brother while he
kisses you on the cheek. Think that
you haven't been kissed by a man since
your father died. Think,
"This is no moment to be strong."
Fly first class and drink Scotch. Stroke
your split eyebrow with a finger and
think of your brother alive. Smile
at the memory and think
how your children will feel in your arms
warm and friendly and without challenge.
|Thursday, August 18, 2011|02:01 am|Ferrum|
You Are What You Learn by Heart
You wake up, you collect your thought, you do your morning ablution, and get on with your day. Sometimes you find it harder than usual to get out of your bed, sometimes you go through the process with a light spring to your steps. Everyone deals with their fair share of ups and downs in life.
Wilde said, some cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever they go. You may argue it's an over simplistic way of seeing it, but on certain occasions, it does apply like that to a certain degree. Some people are wounded too tight, keeping all to themselves for various complicated reasons, that when they finally open their mouths it's negativity that comes out of it.
Honestly? It's tiring.
When you haven't heard from someone or haven't talked to them in awhile, only to hear the first words out of them are variations of, 'I hate it when...', 'I'm so sick of...', 'damn it all...'.
Really now? Instead of 'Hi, how have you been?', 'I know this is lame, but I just heard the best joke ever...', 'Good day, right. Long time no see. Got good news to swap?', I'm supposed to handle a conversation with a witty opening one liner from The Grinch's closet...? Lovely. I don't suppose I can meet you again tomorrow for a follow up? Just fascinating conversation.
And technology doesn't help it any better. It's such a great feeling to stretch your back, pick up your phone and opening a text, an IM message, or an email consisted of scintillating topics like that.
I'm not saying we can't share our troubles and ask other for emotional supports.
I'm not saying we should bottle it all up and play the Jester all the time.
I'm saying, take a little time to acknowledge all the good things aside from the bad things that has happened and currently happening within our lives. Weight it all fairly, so our views won't be too skewed with pent up negativity.
So that there won't come a time when you find yourself implode or explode somewhere along the way.
(And, honestly? Is it not better to share a laugh than to share anger? Share a smile, share tears if you will, share a silence if you need be, but don't ask me to share your anger, I have enough of my own without having to inflict it in return on others. And it won't be fair to them, so I won't, so do me the same courtesy, thank you.)
Wilde said, some cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever they go. You may argue it's an over simplistic way of seeing it, but on certain occasions, it does apply like that to a certain degree. Some people are wounded too tight, keeping all to themselves for various complicated reasons, that when they finally open their mouths it's negativity that comes out of it.
Honestly? It's tiring.
When you haven't heard from someone or haven't talked to them in awhile, only to hear the first words out of them are variations of, 'I hate it when...', 'I'm so sick of...', 'damn it all...'.
Really now? Instead of 'Hi, how have you been?', 'I know this is lame, but I just heard the best joke ever...', 'Good day, right. Long time no see. Got good news to swap?', I'm supposed to handle a conversation with a witty opening one liner from The Grinch's closet...? Lovely. I don't suppose I can meet you again tomorrow for a follow up? Just fascinating conversation.
And technology doesn't help it any better. It's such a great feeling to stretch your back, pick up your phone and opening a text, an IM message, or an email consisted of scintillating topics like that.
I'm not saying we can't share our troubles and ask other for emotional supports.
I'm not saying we should bottle it all up and play the Jester all the time.
I'm saying, take a little time to acknowledge all the good things aside from the bad things that has happened and currently happening within our lives. Weight it all fairly, so our views won't be too skewed with pent up negativity.
So that there won't come a time when you find yourself implode or explode somewhere along the way.
(And, honestly? Is it not better to share a laugh than to share anger? Share a smile, share tears if you will, share a silence if you need be, but don't ask me to share your anger, I have enough of my own without having to inflict it in return on others. And it won't be fair to them, so I won't, so do me the same courtesy, thank you.)
Listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door; let's go
E.E. Cummings - 'pity this busy monster, manunkind
E.E. Cummings - 'pity this busy monster, manunkind
|Thursday, February 24, 2011|05:34 pm|Ferrum|
be inconvenient or unacceptable to your advantage, too
Annie: You shouldn't have done it if you didn't think it was right.
Henry: You think it's right. I can't cope with more than one moral system at a time. Mine is that what you think is right is right. What you do is right. What you want is right. There was a tribe, wasn't there, which worshiped Charlie Chaplin. It worked just as well as any other theology, apparently. They loved Charlie Chaplin. I love you.
Henry: You think it's right. I can't cope with more than one moral system at a time. Mine is that what you think is right is right. What you do is right. What you want is right. There was a tribe, wasn't there, which worshiped Charlie Chaplin. It worked just as well as any other theology, apparently. They loved Charlie Chaplin. I love you.
--The Real Thing; Tom Stoppard
You are made of almost nothing
But of enough
To be great eyes
And diaphanous double vans;
To be ceaseless movement,
Unending hunger
Grappling love.
--The Dragonfly, Louise Bogan
But of enough
To be great eyes
And diaphanous double vans;
To be ceaseless movement,
Unending hunger
Grappling love.
--The Dragonfly, Louise Bogan
...Ah.
|Thursday, January 06, 2011|12:17 pm|Ferrum|
Travellator
Hm... I haven't written anything lately in forever.
Trying to re-learn it all over again.
Beautiful day outside. Wish I could just drop it all at once and step outside, barefoot, hair pinned up in a haphazard manner. Alas.
The afternoon sunlight looks so gold filtered through the window and falls across my desk. Makes me remember about this picture my brother took and showed me this morning about the sun peeking out from behind branches of tree. The thing is, it came out looking as if it was a picture of a moon, instead of a sun. Love it. The accidental great things are the best.
Gotta run again now. For now I'll end the post today with this song that fits this mood created by the lazy afternoon sun.
The XX - VCR
P.S: Slow down, Life. I'm not going anywhere. Walking after you here.
Trying to re-learn it all over again.
Beautiful day outside. Wish I could just drop it all at once and step outside, barefoot, hair pinned up in a haphazard manner. Alas.
The afternoon sunlight looks so gold filtered through the window and falls across my desk. Makes me remember about this picture my brother took and showed me this morning about the sun peeking out from behind branches of tree. The thing is, it came out looking as if it was a picture of a moon, instead of a sun. Love it. The accidental great things are the best.
Gotta run again now. For now I'll end the post today with this song that fits this mood created by the lazy afternoon sun.
The XX - VCR
P.S: Slow down, Life. I'm not going anywhere. Walking after you here.
|Wednesday, August 19, 2009|06:18 pm|Ferrum|
cardiac-therapy of words
Back-aching; joint-bursting,
Wet eyes reflecting concrete and chrome
The warm gentle touches of professional strangers
calm, collected, and distant
Heart's bleeding steadily all over the floor
My body fills up my mind with liquid dreams
the kind that left you jerking awake, bloodshot eyes, and aching-tounged
made you put your soul in cryostasis chamber
My hands have been breaking for days,
my heart has been shaking for days,
These are the new high-maintenance trends I've collected for souvenirs.
Not in the habit of explaining myself,
now it's a baby's first step all over again.
I'm your accidental ambidextrian
Trade circumstances sympathies with a no-subject one-liner any other day
Wet eyes reflecting concrete and chrome
The warm gentle touches of professional strangers
calm, collected, and distant
Heart's bleeding steadily all over the floor
My body fills up my mind with liquid dreams
the kind that left you jerking awake, bloodshot eyes, and aching-tounged
made you put your soul in cryostasis chamber
My hands have been breaking for days,
my heart has been shaking for days,
These are the new high-maintenance trends I've collected for souvenirs.
Not in the habit of explaining myself,
now it's a baby's first step all over again.
I'm your accidental ambidextrian
Trade circumstances sympathies with a no-subject one-liner any other day
|Tuesday, October 21, 2008|08:21 pm|Ferrum|